I grew up in a Christian household. I went to church, I went to Christian schools, and I was surrounded by people who loved Jesus. Looking back now, I realize what a blessing that was. At the time, though, I didn’t fully understand or appreciate it.
While I grew up knowing about God, I also grew up with another identity forming inside of me: I was the “dumb kid,” in all my classes growing up. I was the kid who was always in special ed. classes, always behind, always struggling to keep up.
Infact, when I was about 5-6 years old I was straight up told by the entire administration of my school-at-the-time, that I would never be successful/capable as an adult. When I was a little kid, hearing this didn’t affect me too deeply at the time; realistically I cared more about if we were going to play dodgeball or basketball during PE. But around third grade, I started to understand and genuinely believe that I was different from the other kids and that I would never catch up academically and socially. It just so happened that my close friend group were the academically smartest kids in the whole class, and I was just, me.
As I got older, that realization began to shape the way I saw myself.
By middle school, I was at one of the lowest points of my life. I knew there was a God because of my upbringing, but I was so angry with Him.
I didn’t want to accept Him, acknowledge Him,
or surrender my life to Him. Instead, I began looking everywhere else for an identity.
I looked for my worth in male attention. I looked at my grades and believed that if I could just be smart enough, maybe I would finally be worthy and prove the school administrators or told me I couldn’t, wrong. But because I believed I was too stupid, I thought maybe I needed to be loved by a boy. But because I believed I wasn’t pretty enough to be lovable, I thought maybe I needed to become the greatest athlete. But because I wasn’t the greatest athlete, I believed I needed to always be something or be someone in order to be loved.
I was putting my identity in everything except the Lord.
Eventually, that identity crisis grew into deep depression, severe social anxiety, and other crumbling forms of anxiety. I began self-harming. I would wake up wishing I didn’t.
And even though I didn’t truly accept God into my life at that point, I would still silently pray that the car would just crash.
I began to further believe in Satans’ lies that were disguised as my own.
I believed that I didn’t matter. That I was invisible.
That everyone would be better without me.
That I was unlovable.
Unseen.
Unheard.
Those thoughts from Hell were VERY familiar to me.
But just because depression/self-harm/anxiety is familiar to you, does not mean it’s your home, and more certainly does not mean you need to stay in it anymore.
Senior year of high school,
I gave my life to the Lord.
I surrendered everything to Him that I am and am not.
It was during that season that I began to grow closer to the Lord and, for the first time, I truly develop a relationship with Him for myself.
And ever since I truly accepted the Lord into my heart, He has continued to heal, and heal, and heal the deep wounds inside of me that I never allowed anyone else to see or touch at the time.
With all of this being said, accepting Jesus did not make every struggle disappear overnight. I still experienced negative thoughts. I still had difficult days. I still had things I had to work through.
But everything was different because I no longer had to do it alone.
I had the Word of God. I had truth to combat the lies I had believed about myself for so many years. I had a Savior who reminded me that my worth was never dependent on how smart I was, how pretty I was, how successful I was, whether someone loved me, or whether I was enough by the world’s standards, or even my own impossible standards.
Jesus was enough.
And by association, that makes me enough.
It feels especially meaningful and honoring to me that my friend asked me to share this story, because nine years ago, on this exact day, I was planning to end my life.
And now, nine years later, I get to tell you that I am still here
(Happily and willingly).
Full 360° God moment:
I now have the blessing to work with kiddos who have developmental disabilities, aka the kids who some ignorant people may say are “slow” or “dumb.”
And this time: I’m changing the narrative. Because no kid, regardless of disability or not, should ever experience what I did as a third grader.
I pray they all know how loved, seen, heard, appreciated, valued & capable they are.
I don’t share this because my life has been perfect since I accepted Jesus. I share it because He has been faithful through every imperfect part of it. He met me when I was angry, lost, hurting, and convinced that I had no worth. He began healing wounds I thought would always define me.
If you are reading this and you see yourself somewhere in my story, I want you to know this:
It is worth staying.
The Lord looked at the whole wide world and really thought,
“But I want ________ in it too.”
The depressive/anxious thoughts you may have are not the final word over your life.
The things that have happened to you do not get to decide your identity.
And the place you’ve become comfortable living in does not have to become your permanent home.
There is still more life ahead of you than you can see right now.
I love you all, and I’m praying for everyone who reads this and resonates with my story.
I’m so grateful to God that He allowed me to stay long enough to see what I couldn’t see back then.
Nine years later, I’m still here.
And I know now that my life was never worthless.
It was always worth saving.
And you have a voice. Use your voice even if it shakes.
-Christian that is rooting for you to stay ❤️🩹
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